Gotcha by the SCOTUS

Damned Alito made the flub of the new year. No, not when he said “Obama, f*** you” during the State of the Union. It was when he insisted on bringing Scalia along with Roberts and me for 18 holes at the Washington Golf and Tennis Club. Sure enough, 50 yards down the first green and Scalia is muttering under his breath. By the third hole, he’s throwing his clubs. After the ninth, Scalia pushed back more Scotch than Christopher Hitchens does before a talk show.

Yet celebrating with a good game of golf was in order after the courageous Supreme Court ruling on “Citizens United v. The Federal Elections Commission”. Citizens United decided that corporations have First Amendment free speech rights which allow corporate funding of independent political broadcasts in candidate elections.

The Bill of Rights applies to corporations! Think about it! Xe (Blackwater) has the right to bear fully automatic assault weapons. AT&T has the right to be secure in their papers and effects against the government inquiring who they spied upon. Brown and Williamson/R.J. Reynolds and Phillip Morris are free from the cruel and unusual punishment of high fines of tort damages from cancer patients.

The decision doesn’t mean corporations are in bed with politicians. But it does mean they are finally free to come out of the closet.

Corporations get to spend their money any way they want, just like other people. Yes, corporations are people, too. Think of Halliburton as "Uncle Hal" and Xe as "Crazy Cousin Jeb".

As oppressed people, corporations are due reparations - their 40 acres and a mule. They already have Medicaid for ailing companies such as AIG, but how about Medicare for the oldest corporations? Brooks Brothers (1818), Berkshire-Hathaway (1839), and Barnes and Noble (1873) are getting ripe and need a cash injection. How about the U.S. extending that cash for clunkers program for GM and Chrysler, and take over Ford, too? And corporations should sit on juries - especially for tort cases.

Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens wrote in Thursday’s opinion: “Under the majority’s view, I suppose it may be a First Amendment problem that corporations are not permitted to vote, given that voting is, among other things, a form of speech.”

Let’s take Stevens prima facie. We have a case for Corporate Suffrage. After all, Capitalism is as old as the U.S. - Adam Smith, the Father of Capitalism, published “The Wealth of Nations” in 1776. The U.S. and Capitalism share birthyears! Just ask Sarah Palin.

Corporate suffrage! Let my corpo-people vote!

I understand there are those who stand against us, including those in the media. So even though we face difficulties, I still have a dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all people, including corporations, are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the removed mountain tops of Appalachia, the sons of former wage slaves and the sons of corporate spin-offs will be able to sit down together at the table of servitude.

I have a dream that one day even Michael Moore, a man sweltering with the heat of injustice, will be transformed into a heap of freedom.

I have a dream that my favorite corporations will one day vote in a nation that has all those Washington DC and Puerto Rican votes just lying around.

I have a dream that one day corporations will share a ticket with other U.S. citizens and run for President of the United States. I have a dream today!