2009 Ends with (a) Rush

Let’s look back at 2009 using the eyes of a Billionaire, the only perspective of consequence.

2009 ended with the near death of Rush Limbaugh in Hawaii (word has it he was in Honolulu counterfeiting a non-Ethiopian birth certificate for himself). Though the year held truly important news, Rush’s heart attack stands as 2009’s great analogy.

The year began with the uncomfortable pressure of the inauguration of someone who was clearly not a Republican.

Unlike the U.S. Airways jet in the Hudson, the economy was sinking. Billionaires felt squeezing pain in their chests. We could lose hundreds. Hundreds of millions, that is. We needed treatment and we needed it fast. Regretfully, so did the American people.

However, Billionaires are never unprepared (well, except for an economic bubble or two). People want CPR on their mortgages? We doctor them with Rick Santelli and the necessity to keep a straight face when saying “tea bagging”.

Thousands sent tea bags to Congress, tea bagging their representatives in protest of big government, President Obama, the federal budget, the Stimulus Package, paying other people’s mortgages, Socialism, Communism, corporate influence on government, Islamofascism, ACORN, Socialist Fire Departments, and Liberal hatred of America.

That was pure Billionaire brilliance: getting the people to protest the one bill that could, in part, help the people!

If treatment #1 was to keep government money away from the American people, then treatment #2 was to get it into the hands of the Billionaires.

While President Bush handed us billions as a bailout, we weren’t sure our investment in President Obama would pay off. But if having Henry Paulson, the ex-CEO of Goldman Sachs, our “mole” in the government under Bush wasn’t a stroke of genius, getting Timothy Geithner, someone who dodges taxes faster than a politician dodges military service, was. With “Tiny Tim” Geithner, our Christmas pudding has been extended to October 2010.

While Tiny Tim is our mole, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is another animal altogether. When we knew Merrill-Lynch was losing money, he and Paulson helped us force Bank of America (BoA) to buy it. Then you, the taxpayer, bailed out BoA, who threw a wonderful Super Bowl party with your money! Huzzah!

Still, like Rush’s heart attack, 2009 wasn’t always pretty. We had the stabbing pain of Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. We had lightheadedness and anxiety of Billionaire Texas financier Allen Stanford’s Ponzi scheme. We had the sweating and shortness of breath of Billionaire Raj Rajaratnam’s hedge fund insider trading. We had the nausea of Angelo Mozilo’s trading and securities fraud. We had the cardiac arrest of Swiss banking giant UBS admitting to the US government that it helped American clients (like Billionaires) evade taxes using concealed offshore accounts.

But, unlike Rush, we didn’t watch the dropping of the ball in a sterile hospital room under protection from angry liberals, voracious Viagra salesmen, misguided ditto heads, or envious, off-his-meds Glenn Beck. We celebrated. Maybe we lost some money, but we’re getting it back. From you. Yes, true Americans like you who don’t want the terrorists to win by taking down our economic system. True Americans like you who know that success relies on the Billionaire. True Americans like you who believe in Truth, Justice and AIG bonuses.