To be a person and a corporation, too! The Billionaire’s wet dream. That's the idea behind Chicago Billionaires, Inc. We, the stupendously rich of Chicago, have formed a new corporation in celebration of the January 2010 Supreme Court decision that applies First Amendment rights to corporations. This way, we have twice the rights than you!
The other night, I, Harris Tocracy, met with my fellow Chicago Billionaires Ruth Liss and Horace P. Greedy at a restaurant your kind would never be allowed near. We came with one concern: reparations. If our corporations have been put down so long by “the man” (your government), then now our time is due. We want our 40 acres and a Lamborghini.
The idea struck us to incorporate. Yes, we sit on the boards of most of the companies that rule your life (Disney, Coca-Cola, Halliburton, Pfizer, Microsoft, Northrop-Grumman, Monsanto, etc.). But they represent very specific areas and issues. If we incorporate ourselves, we can have a voice dedicated to our unique, privileged vision. We don’t have a product or a service. We don’t want to contract with anyone. We are wealthy, that's all. Enormously so. And we will be heard!
We are beginning our incorporation process. Consider it a rebirth. Chicago Billionaires, Inc. will take their newfound personhood and indulge itself just like crazy, reckless flesh persons do. Perhaps we’ll vote. Or run for office. Or get married – as long as it’s to a corporation of the opposite sex. Maybe the first thing we’ll do is get very, very drunk.
On power.
Join our group on Facebook: Chicago Billionaires, Inc.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Gotcha by the SCOTUS
Damned Alito made the flub of the new year. No, not when he said “Obama, f*** you” during the State of the Union. It was when he insisted on bringing Scalia along with Roberts and me for 18 holes at the Washington Golf and Tennis Club. Sure enough, 50 yards down the first green and Scalia is muttering under his breath. By the third hole, he’s throwing his clubs. After the ninth, Scalia pushed back more Scotch than Christopher Hitchens does before a talk show.
Yet celebrating with a good game of golf was in order after the courageous Supreme Court ruling on “Citizens United v. The Federal Elections Commission”. Citizens United decided that corporations have First Amendment free speech rights which allow corporate funding of independent political broadcasts in candidate elections.
The Bill of Rights applies to corporations! Think about it! Xe (Blackwater) has the right to bear fully automatic assault weapons. AT&T has the right to be secure in their papers and effects against the government inquiring who they spied upon. Brown and Williamson/R.J. Reynolds and Phillip Morris are free from the cruel and unusual punishment of high fines of tort damages from cancer patients.
The decision doesn’t mean corporations are in bed with politicians. But it does mean they are finally free to come out of the closet.
Corporations get to spend their money any way they want, just like other people. Yes, corporations are people, too. Think of Halliburton as "Uncle Hal" and Xe as "Crazy Cousin Jeb".
As oppressed people, corporations are due reparations - their 40 acres and a mule. They already have Medicaid for ailing companies such as AIG, but how about Medicare for the oldest corporations? Brooks Brothers (1818), Berkshire-Hathaway (1839), and Barnes and Noble (1873) are getting ripe and need a cash injection. How about the U.S. extending that cash for clunkers program for GM and Chrysler, and take over Ford, too? And corporations should sit on juries - especially for tort cases.
Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens wrote in Thursday’s opinion: “Under the majority’s view, I suppose it may be a First Amendment problem that corporations are not permitted to vote, given that voting is, among other things, a form of speech.”
Let’s take Stevens prima facie. We have a case for Corporate Suffrage. After all, Capitalism is as old as the U.S. - Adam Smith, the Father of Capitalism, published “The Wealth of Nations” in 1776. The U.S. and Capitalism share birthyears! Just ask Sarah Palin.
Corporate suffrage! Let my corpo-people vote!
I understand there are those who stand against us, including those in the media. So even though we face difficulties, I still have a dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all people, including corporations, are created equal."
I have a dream that one day on the removed mountain tops of Appalachia, the sons of former wage slaves and the sons of corporate spin-offs will be able to sit down together at the table of servitude.
I have a dream that one day even Michael Moore, a man sweltering with the heat of injustice, will be transformed into a heap of freedom.
I have a dream that my favorite corporations will one day vote in a nation that has all those Washington DC and Puerto Rican votes just lying around.
I have a dream that one day corporations will share a ticket with other U.S. citizens and run for President of the United States. I have a dream today!
Yet celebrating with a good game of golf was in order after the courageous Supreme Court ruling on “Citizens United v. The Federal Elections Commission”. Citizens United decided that corporations have First Amendment free speech rights which allow corporate funding of independent political broadcasts in candidate elections.
The Bill of Rights applies to corporations! Think about it! Xe (Blackwater) has the right to bear fully automatic assault weapons. AT&T has the right to be secure in their papers and effects against the government inquiring who they spied upon. Brown and Williamson/R.J. Reynolds and Phillip Morris are free from the cruel and unusual punishment of high fines of tort damages from cancer patients.
The decision doesn’t mean corporations are in bed with politicians. But it does mean they are finally free to come out of the closet.
Corporations get to spend their money any way they want, just like other people. Yes, corporations are people, too. Think of Halliburton as "Uncle Hal" and Xe as "Crazy Cousin Jeb".
As oppressed people, corporations are due reparations - their 40 acres and a mule. They already have Medicaid for ailing companies such as AIG, but how about Medicare for the oldest corporations? Brooks Brothers (1818), Berkshire-Hathaway (1839), and Barnes and Noble (1873) are getting ripe and need a cash injection. How about the U.S. extending that cash for clunkers program for GM and Chrysler, and take over Ford, too? And corporations should sit on juries - especially for tort cases.
Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens wrote in Thursday’s opinion: “Under the majority’s view, I suppose it may be a First Amendment problem that corporations are not permitted to vote, given that voting is, among other things, a form of speech.”
Let’s take Stevens prima facie. We have a case for Corporate Suffrage. After all, Capitalism is as old as the U.S. - Adam Smith, the Father of Capitalism, published “The Wealth of Nations” in 1776. The U.S. and Capitalism share birthyears! Just ask Sarah Palin.
Corporate suffrage! Let my corpo-people vote!
I understand there are those who stand against us, including those in the media. So even though we face difficulties, I still have a dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all people, including corporations, are created equal."
I have a dream that one day on the removed mountain tops of Appalachia, the sons of former wage slaves and the sons of corporate spin-offs will be able to sit down together at the table of servitude.
I have a dream that one day even Michael Moore, a man sweltering with the heat of injustice, will be transformed into a heap of freedom.
I have a dream that my favorite corporations will one day vote in a nation that has all those Washington DC and Puerto Rican votes just lying around.
I have a dream that one day corporations will share a ticket with other U.S. citizens and run for President of the United States. I have a dream today!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The Hostile Takeover of 2010
My blog last looked back at 2009. Now, let me show you what Billionaires, and the government we own, plan to do in 2010.
The War on Economic Terror. While we’ve been outsourcing jobs to the children overseas, American workers have been terrorizing patriotic companies through union organizing, increasing the minimum wage, and legislating for health coverage. Their demands threaten the Constitution's guarantee of free-markets! They threaten private property! This amounts to nothing less than treason in this time of war. The Department of Homeland Security will be expanded to arrest, imprison or detain not just illegal immigrants, but also these economic combatants.
Expand the prison-industrial labor force. Prisoners are the ideal workforce. They cannot demand raises or benefits, organize labor unions, or leave to find a better job. And they often cost less than $3 a day. We would grow this invaluable pool of labor by sending economic combatants to prison.
Privatize War. Costs for war in Afghanistan, Iraq and other Global War on Terror operations neared $1 Trillion through 2009. We Billionaires want an even bigger piece of that. Maybe the whole thing.
Xe, the corporation formally known as Blackwater, is a private military company providing mercenaries to fight messy little wars so you don’t have to. (However, if you are willing to kill for a high paying job that doesn’t require a college degree, Xe is for you.) Halliburton provides the army with bases, supplies, food, vehicles, weaponry and other services. Both companies enable you to avoid many annoying military and political details.
Our next wars should be entirely privatized. Xe (Blackwater) can invade Iran. Halliburton can take on Pakistan. Burger King can be absolute monarch of North Korea. If the companies cannot recruit enough people to pull off an invasion, we can provide economic combatants from the prison-industrial labor force.
Introduce Efficiency Tracking for Public Schools. Public Education has always been an oxymoron. We must recognize that most children will end up in service jobs. Billionaires would help the government develop an early tracking program to weed out these Potential Low Earning Bush-league Employees (PLEBEs) at the age of 5 to save them the trouble and us the cost of formal education, and perhaps put them to immediate use in the prison-industrial labor force.
Move the Environmental Protection Agency inside Chamber of Commerce. The environment is the last economic frontier. We are the explorers. Some say that we all share the environment. That’s socialist talk. Only business can properly spot and exploit environmental opportunities. The Chamber is the right place for the EPA. Just remember – global warming means better tans.
Perhaps some people may not like our agenda. I say to them: buy your own government!
The War on Economic Terror. While we’ve been outsourcing jobs to the children overseas, American workers have been terrorizing patriotic companies through union organizing, increasing the minimum wage, and legislating for health coverage. Their demands threaten the Constitution's guarantee of free-markets! They threaten private property! This amounts to nothing less than treason in this time of war. The Department of Homeland Security will be expanded to arrest, imprison or detain not just illegal immigrants, but also these economic combatants.
Expand the prison-industrial labor force. Prisoners are the ideal workforce. They cannot demand raises or benefits, organize labor unions, or leave to find a better job. And they often cost less than $3 a day. We would grow this invaluable pool of labor by sending economic combatants to prison.
Privatize War. Costs for war in Afghanistan, Iraq and other Global War on Terror operations neared $1 Trillion through 2009. We Billionaires want an even bigger piece of that. Maybe the whole thing.
Xe, the corporation formally known as Blackwater, is a private military company providing mercenaries to fight messy little wars so you don’t have to. (However, if you are willing to kill for a high paying job that doesn’t require a college degree, Xe is for you.) Halliburton provides the army with bases, supplies, food, vehicles, weaponry and other services. Both companies enable you to avoid many annoying military and political details.
Our next wars should be entirely privatized. Xe (Blackwater) can invade Iran. Halliburton can take on Pakistan. Burger King can be absolute monarch of North Korea. If the companies cannot recruit enough people to pull off an invasion, we can provide economic combatants from the prison-industrial labor force.
Introduce Efficiency Tracking for Public Schools. Public Education has always been an oxymoron. We must recognize that most children will end up in service jobs. Billionaires would help the government develop an early tracking program to weed out these Potential Low Earning Bush-league Employees (PLEBEs) at the age of 5 to save them the trouble and us the cost of formal education, and perhaps put them to immediate use in the prison-industrial labor force.
Move the Environmental Protection Agency inside Chamber of Commerce. The environment is the last economic frontier. We are the explorers. Some say that we all share the environment. That’s socialist talk. Only business can properly spot and exploit environmental opportunities. The Chamber is the right place for the EPA. Just remember – global warming means better tans.
Perhaps some people may not like our agenda. I say to them: buy your own government!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
2009 Ends with (a) Rush
Let’s look back at 2009 using the eyes of a Billionaire, the only perspective of consequence.
2009 ended with the near death of Rush Limbaugh in Hawaii (word has it he was in Honolulu counterfeiting a non-Ethiopian birth certificate for himself). Though the year held truly important news, Rush’s heart attack stands as 2009’s great analogy.
The year began with the uncomfortable pressure of the inauguration of someone who was clearly not a Republican.
Unlike the U.S. Airways jet in the Hudson, the economy was sinking. Billionaires felt squeezing pain in their chests. We could lose hundreds. Hundreds of millions, that is. We needed treatment and we needed it fast. Regretfully, so did the American people.
However, Billionaires are never unprepared (well, except for an economic bubble or two). People want CPR on their mortgages? We doctor them with Rick Santelli and the necessity to keep a straight face when saying “tea bagging”.
Thousands sent tea bags to Congress, tea bagging their representatives in protest of big government, President Obama, the federal budget, the Stimulus Package, paying other people’s mortgages, Socialism, Communism, corporate influence on government, Islamofascism, ACORN, Socialist Fire Departments, and Liberal hatred of America.
That was pure Billionaire brilliance: getting the people to protest the one bill that could, in part, help the people!
If treatment #1 was to keep government money away from the American people, then treatment #2 was to get it into the hands of the Billionaires.
While President Bush handed us billions as a bailout, we weren’t sure our investment in President Obama would pay off. But if having Henry Paulson, the ex-CEO of Goldman Sachs, our “mole” in the government under Bush wasn’t a stroke of genius, getting Timothy Geithner, someone who dodges taxes faster than a politician dodges military service, was. With “Tiny Tim” Geithner, our Christmas pudding has been extended to October 2010.
While Tiny Tim is our mole, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is another animal altogether. When we knew Merrill-Lynch was losing money, he and Paulson helped us force Bank of America (BoA) to buy it. Then you, the taxpayer, bailed out BoA, who threw a wonderful Super Bowl party with your money! Huzzah!
Still, like Rush’s heart attack, 2009 wasn’t always pretty. We had the stabbing pain of Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. We had lightheadedness and anxiety of Billionaire Texas financier Allen Stanford’s Ponzi scheme. We had the sweating and shortness of breath of Billionaire Raj Rajaratnam’s hedge fund insider trading. We had the nausea of Angelo Mozilo’s trading and securities fraud. We had the cardiac arrest of Swiss banking giant UBS admitting to the US government that it helped American clients (like Billionaires) evade taxes using concealed offshore accounts.
But, unlike Rush, we didn’t watch the dropping of the ball in a sterile hospital room under protection from angry liberals, voracious Viagra salesmen, misguided ditto heads, or envious, off-his-meds Glenn Beck. We celebrated. Maybe we lost some money, but we’re getting it back. From you. Yes, true Americans like you who don’t want the terrorists to win by taking down our economic system. True Americans like you who know that success relies on the Billionaire. True Americans like you who believe in Truth, Justice and AIG bonuses.
2009 ended with the near death of Rush Limbaugh in Hawaii (word has it he was in Honolulu counterfeiting a non-Ethiopian birth certificate for himself). Though the year held truly important news, Rush’s heart attack stands as 2009’s great analogy.
The year began with the uncomfortable pressure of the inauguration of someone who was clearly not a Republican.
Unlike the U.S. Airways jet in the Hudson, the economy was sinking. Billionaires felt squeezing pain in their chests. We could lose hundreds. Hundreds of millions, that is. We needed treatment and we needed it fast. Regretfully, so did the American people.
However, Billionaires are never unprepared (well, except for an economic bubble or two). People want CPR on their mortgages? We doctor them with Rick Santelli and the necessity to keep a straight face when saying “tea bagging”.
Thousands sent tea bags to Congress, tea bagging their representatives in protest of big government, President Obama, the federal budget, the Stimulus Package, paying other people’s mortgages, Socialism, Communism, corporate influence on government, Islamofascism, ACORN, Socialist Fire Departments, and Liberal hatred of America.
That was pure Billionaire brilliance: getting the people to protest the one bill that could, in part, help the people!
If treatment #1 was to keep government money away from the American people, then treatment #2 was to get it into the hands of the Billionaires.
While President Bush handed us billions as a bailout, we weren’t sure our investment in President Obama would pay off. But if having Henry Paulson, the ex-CEO of Goldman Sachs, our “mole” in the government under Bush wasn’t a stroke of genius, getting Timothy Geithner, someone who dodges taxes faster than a politician dodges military service, was. With “Tiny Tim” Geithner, our Christmas pudding has been extended to October 2010.
While Tiny Tim is our mole, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is another animal altogether. When we knew Merrill-Lynch was losing money, he and Paulson helped us force Bank of America (BoA) to buy it. Then you, the taxpayer, bailed out BoA, who threw a wonderful Super Bowl party with your money! Huzzah!
Still, like Rush’s heart attack, 2009 wasn’t always pretty. We had the stabbing pain of Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. We had lightheadedness and anxiety of Billionaire Texas financier Allen Stanford’s Ponzi scheme. We had the sweating and shortness of breath of Billionaire Raj Rajaratnam’s hedge fund insider trading. We had the nausea of Angelo Mozilo’s trading and securities fraud. We had the cardiac arrest of Swiss banking giant UBS admitting to the US government that it helped American clients (like Billionaires) evade taxes using concealed offshore accounts.
But, unlike Rush, we didn’t watch the dropping of the ball in a sterile hospital room under protection from angry liberals, voracious Viagra salesmen, misguided ditto heads, or envious, off-his-meds Glenn Beck. We celebrated. Maybe we lost some money, but we’re getting it back. From you. Yes, true Americans like you who don’t want the terrorists to win by taking down our economic system. True Americans like you who know that success relies on the Billionaire. True Americans like you who believe in Truth, Justice and AIG bonuses.
Monday, December 28, 2009
The True Meaning of Christmas
As the massively profitable holiday of Christmas has just passed, I thought I’d focus a blog entry on it.
On Christmas, CNN posted the John Baker article, “Passions over 'prosperity gospel': Was Jesus wealthy?” To me, the answer is obvious. However, Baker points out that many people shockingly believe Jesus had been poor. Baker's article reminds us that three wise men presented Jesus with gold, frankincense and myrrh at his birth. GOLD, people! Jesus was rich! And surely these wise men passed on good investment tips. Jesus was set for life! What a nest egg! And frankincense and myrrh were perfumes meant for kings. They were rare. Still are. They come from trees in the Middle East, trees which we are bombing into scarcity.
Detractors point to Jesus saying “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” This is an obvious mistranslation. Jesus really said, “Remember, it is easier to park your camel at the ‘Eye of the Needle’ before entering the Kingdom of God.” Jesus was talking to his friend Hiram Cheep of Goldgotha, suggesting he use the “Eye of the Needle” valet service for his camel before going to the “Kingdom of God”, the hottest Country Club in Roman Palestine. Jesus knew how to party!
Jesus was rich. The CNN article goes on to mention that Jesus’ parents rode a donkey into Bethlehem. A donkey was the B.C. Cadillac. Poor people walked. Or ate the donkey.
When he got older, he had no job, hung out with prostitutes and had 12 guys leeching off of him. This guy was living off his nest egg!
Christmas is for the rich. It keeps the Pope in jewels, priests in free lodging, and TV Evangelists in hair care products.
Approximately $468 billion in sales were generated for the holiday. Who gets the profits? The rich. Then there is all the Christmas stress and depression. How do you fix that? Meds. How many of you own Pharmaceutical stocks? Well, we rich do. We’re taking your long, dark tunnel to a profit windfall. Hear complaints about gross materialism spoiling Christmas? Not from us rich. We find our profits quite tasteful.
Some of you feel Santa is the reason for the season. Let me be your wake up call. Santa is rich. He has a big toy operation. Can a poor man afford this? What a machine! Elves working all year for what? Food, lodging, and pixie dust. This is better than the days before child labor laws.
And don’t think Santa works for free. Look at the ad revenue. The red porker is on Coke cans, McDonald’s cups, cookie packages and on and on. He has TV and movie rights. Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Tim Allen… Santa’s got a piece of them all. The guy’s a Billionaire!
Jesus and Santa. Between the two of them, they have a hell of a racket.
So keep with the spirit of Christmas. Do your after Christmas shopping. Keep spending. Keep buying. Get in debt. Do it for the rich. Do it for Jesus.
On Christmas, CNN posted the John Baker article, “Passions over 'prosperity gospel': Was Jesus wealthy?” To me, the answer is obvious. However, Baker points out that many people shockingly believe Jesus had been poor. Baker's article reminds us that three wise men presented Jesus with gold, frankincense and myrrh at his birth. GOLD, people! Jesus was rich! And surely these wise men passed on good investment tips. Jesus was set for life! What a nest egg! And frankincense and myrrh were perfumes meant for kings. They were rare. Still are. They come from trees in the Middle East, trees which we are bombing into scarcity.
Detractors point to Jesus saying “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” This is an obvious mistranslation. Jesus really said, “Remember, it is easier to park your camel at the ‘Eye of the Needle’ before entering the Kingdom of God.” Jesus was talking to his friend Hiram Cheep of Goldgotha, suggesting he use the “Eye of the Needle” valet service for his camel before going to the “Kingdom of God”, the hottest Country Club in Roman Palestine. Jesus knew how to party!
Jesus was rich. The CNN article goes on to mention that Jesus’ parents rode a donkey into Bethlehem. A donkey was the B.C. Cadillac. Poor people walked. Or ate the donkey.
When he got older, he had no job, hung out with prostitutes and had 12 guys leeching off of him. This guy was living off his nest egg!
Christmas is for the rich. It keeps the Pope in jewels, priests in free lodging, and TV Evangelists in hair care products.
Approximately $468 billion in sales were generated for the holiday. Who gets the profits? The rich. Then there is all the Christmas stress and depression. How do you fix that? Meds. How many of you own Pharmaceutical stocks? Well, we rich do. We’re taking your long, dark tunnel to a profit windfall. Hear complaints about gross materialism spoiling Christmas? Not from us rich. We find our profits quite tasteful.
Some of you feel Santa is the reason for the season. Let me be your wake up call. Santa is rich. He has a big toy operation. Can a poor man afford this? What a machine! Elves working all year for what? Food, lodging, and pixie dust. This is better than the days before child labor laws.
And don’t think Santa works for free. Look at the ad revenue. The red porker is on Coke cans, McDonald’s cups, cookie packages and on and on. He has TV and movie rights. Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Tim Allen… Santa’s got a piece of them all. The guy’s a Billionaire!
Jesus and Santa. Between the two of them, they have a hell of a racket.
So keep with the spirit of Christmas. Do your after Christmas shopping. Keep spending. Keep buying. Get in debt. Do it for the rich. Do it for Jesus.
Welcome to The Highest Circle
Welcome to The Highest Circle. I am Harris Tocracy, Billionaire. I have been a member of such illustrious groups as “Billionaires for Bush”, “Billionaires for ‘Bama”, and “Billionaires for Wealthcare.
I am recording my wisdom for posterity. Now, anyone can benefit by my astute intelligence, not just my peers. I used to think that unless you’re a Billionaire, the hell with you. However, my assistant has assured me that the world will mark my presence more deeply if I am on the internet. While he generally has his lips attached to my posterior, in this case the sycophant may have a point. If nothing else, the masses can learn their place, feel better when they are induced to obey, and whine a whole lot less. Hence, this blog.
Follow me and learn the real workings of government and society.
I am recording my wisdom for posterity. Now, anyone can benefit by my astute intelligence, not just my peers. I used to think that unless you’re a Billionaire, the hell with you. However, my assistant has assured me that the world will mark my presence more deeply if I am on the internet. While he generally has his lips attached to my posterior, in this case the sycophant may have a point. If nothing else, the masses can learn their place, feel better when they are induced to obey, and whine a whole lot less. Hence, this blog.
Follow me and learn the real workings of government and society.
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